The PMJ's
by angelps7
Summary: If it weren’t for Macmillan, I’d be cozying up in the common room, completely oblivious to what that snarky Malfoy and I just stumbled upon… Pansy/Harry, told from Hermione's POV. Rating for implied sexual situations. Written for an LJ ficexchange.


**A/N**: This was written for a LJ challenge for pphpficexchange… I can finally post now! I wrote it back in June, and it's just short and fun. Although the reveal was a few weeks ago, I've been a bit lazy about posting on this site. I'm working on a lot of stories right now though, so I'll start posting soon I hope. For now I'm having fun with the writing stage!! :)

Enjoy!

**Gift for**: maaiker

**Title**: The PMJ's

**Rating**: T

**Warnings**: language, reference to sexual material

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of the characters! All JKR's. I wish I owned the PMJ's.

**Beta**: lylianf

(I hope it's alright, but I approached this as a humorous one, isolated to just one incident, and that it gives you a laugh as well as fulfills your request)

**Prompt**: A friends point of view on the development of our couple. Rating is up to the creator.

**Summary**: If it weren't for Macmillan, I'd be cozying up in the common room, completely oblivious to what that snarky Malfoy and I just stumbled upon…

* * *

...

It's all Macmillan's fault. Honestly, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have had to… and I wouldn't have seen… and he wouldn't— oh Merlin. And this wouldn't have… well, ignorance can be bliss. Sometimes. In this case.

Stupid Macmillan.

I told him never to bail on me, and what does he do?

He meets me right before our rounds on Tuesday and tells me he can't make it since he forgot about his Quidditch meeting, and then he has to tutor some kid or another, and then he promised some new player he'd show them the new plays, but who is he kidding? I know he's off to meet Hannah Abbott in the library to… er, _study_.

And he promised to send me a replacement, who would meet me at the doors of the Great Hall at precisely 9 pm.

It was 9:20 when Draco Malfoy finally showed up. Yes, Malfoy. Macmillan, the bloody idiot, must not have been thinking. At _all_.

So Malfoy approached me, with the usual high-to-do smirk and such.

"Gra—"

"You're late," I cut him off. My patience was wearing thin, and I had no energy for his snarkiness.

"No, you're early." Like I said: snarkiness.

I rolled my eyes. Typical Malfoy response, acting as if he owns the world. I bet a trip into his mind would be highly interesting. He probably sees his name on everything, and all of it made out of gold.

"I'm flattered that you're staring, I mean I _am_ a fine specimen, but we've got patrolling to do. You're making us late."

Remember the gold?

"I'm—" I spluttered, "_I'm_ making us late?" I shook my head and stomped ahead, making sure to stomp on his foot on the way. He started hopping like a bunny, and I laughed. I understood why girls called him an animal, now.

A hopping bunny, a bouncing ferret? Yes, it was all amusing.

It took him two corners to finally catch up with me, and I blocked out his random mutterings. Honestly, I _know_ he's a Malfoy, and I know you don't go around injuring Malfoys because they're 'rare and special breeds' and that I messed up his Italian leather shoes with my Mudblood germs.

Seriously, doesn't he come up with anything new? You'd think he has enough time during his nightly one-hour baths in the Prefects bathroom.

Don't ask me how I know.

"So, Granger, are you dating the Weasel? Or is it Potter now?" Malfoy said, falling into pace with me as we climbed the stairs and roamed the second floor.

"Neither, and it's none of your concern anyways," I said with a raised eyebrow.

He rubbed his chin, doing the 'I'm sophisticated, thoughtful, and philosophical, like a Malfoy should be' sort of thing. It irritated me beyond limits.

"Huh." Wow. He finally spoke. "Is it because they don't find you attractive?"

Yes, _just_ like a Malfoy. I snorted. "Harry and Ron have got busy lives. I doubt they have the time to squeeze in a girlfriend, too."

"Busy? With what?"

"You know… school, Quidditch, stuff…"

"They rejected you, didn't they?"

"No!" I paused. "And don't give me that look, either."

He nodded. "Perhaps they're seeing other girls, possibly behind your back."

"Malfoy, they're my best friends. I'd know if they were seeing anyone."

We turned a corner, where sure enough, that prick Ernie and Hannah stood snogging away like there was no tomorrow. You can't begin to imagine the smile on my face when I gave them double detention with Snape!

As the study buddies left the hallway, I turned to a smirking Malfoy.

"Wouldn't Pansy tell you these things?"

His smirk faded. "Sure?"

"She's your best friend, isn't she?"

He only shrugged. "I know _when_ she's seeing someone. I don't care for details."

I didn't press the matter any further.

We had reached a fork, and I decided I wanted to take the short route out, away from the dungeons, which covered the area near some classrooms and the library.

And Malfoy just kept following me. It was rather silent for a while. He wasn't muttering any obscenities under his breath, nor were his robes doing that whooshy thing, and those ridiculously expensive shoes were rather quiet too. It was ridiculous how perfectly Slytherin and sneaky he was.

I turned around to glare at him for— well, just because— but he wasn't there. He _wasn't there_! _Idiot_, I scolded myself. He must think I'm a fool!

My shoulders slumped as I retraced my steps, searching for a blond sex machine.

…I didn't think that. Not out-loud, anyways.

Again, don't ask.

Two lefts, a right, a left, a u-turn, and a fork later, I found him. Pressed up against a portrait of a young siren.

Ew.

I mean, granted… I know Draco has an immensely wild sex drive… but… ew. I could hear noises too!

I must not have covered my gasps of disgust, because Draco turned around and smirked at me. "What? It's only natural."

What a situation for snarkiness!

He moaned, and I took a step back… but then I realized he didn't make that sound. Ew again, I was not in the mood to witness a threesome!

Well, I don't think I'll ever be in the mood for that… well, let's just forget that moment.

And then came a girl's voice and an, "Oh Harry!"

WHAT?

If anything would grab my attention faster than a girl moaning out Harry's name in a secluded corridor with Draco listening in, I have no idea what it'd be.

I glued myself to the portrait, right next to Draco, who still wore his ridiculous smirk.

"What?" I raised an eyebrow.

"You're intrigued."

I didn't say anything.

"You're curious," he pressed on.

I was, but not for the same reasons he most likely was assuming. There's only one Harry in the school, and he told me he and Ron were playing Quidditch. Unless… ew… that can't be a dirty code for something else, could it?

I sincerely hoped Ron wasn't in there.

And after listening for a good five minutes, I could safely assume there was only one boy and one girl in there. One Harry and one loud, demanding, nameless-

"Oh P-Pansy!"

_Oh_. Draco stepped back like he'd been burned. His face looked very funny, like he was having convulsions or something, and his eyes dilated, and he seemed like he was about to lose his dinner…

I smacked him upside the head. "Perv!"

"What? You were listening too!"

"I had a momentary lapse! I was wondering why Harry—"

"No, you're curious about sexual behavior, and this gets you hot. Admit it Granger, you thrive off of catching people getting it on."

My jaw dropped open. I mean, _wide_ open.

I stared at him. And blinked. And kneed him in the Prized Malfoy Jewels.

Crouching tiger, hidden dragon indeed.

I liked watching him— you never know what happens when Malfoy is around.

So while he nursed his PMJ's, I leaned onto the portrait again, ignoring the provocative siren's whining, and listened.

"Pansy. That was… fun, but—"

"You didn't enjoy it." I could practically _hear_ her raise a perfect eyebrow.

"No, no, I did. It gets better every time! Not to mention kinkier."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I feel bad about hiding this. I can't lie to Hermione and Ron anymore! It's a miracle they haven't caught us yet."

I snorted. Not for long, my dear Harry.

"You can't be serious, it's not that hard!"

"It's not weird for you to sneak around Draco?"

"No. He doesn't like hearing about my sexual escapades anyways."

"We should tell them."

"What, you mean go public?"

There was a pause.

"Hell no!"

Another pause.

"That won't change my mind, Potter."

I heard some muffled sounds, until, "Alright, fine. I'll think about it… but a year of sneaking gone to waste…" and then there were more muffled sounds.

I turned to Draco in shock, hoping he'd help craft our plan of attack, but he didn't look bothered about it.

He stood up, wobbling like a teetering branch. "Are you happy now, bookworm? What if I scare girls away now? I'll ruin my reputation!"

_Oh. _Merlin. Stupid git was still worried about his PMJ's!

I smacked him upside the head. "What should we do?"

"Don't ask me! All I heard was _kinky_, _Draco_, and _sexual escapades_." He smirked.

Of _course_. It figures. "Look, should we just open the portrait and give them detention, or walk away and pretend it never happened?" I tapped my foot.

He snorted and walked up to me, leaning in close. "You're willing to walk in on them? Do you want to be scarred for life? No pun intended."

I fought a blush. "No, but we have to do something! It sounds like they've had a serious relationship for a while now."

"Do you want me to go in??"

"What? You don't mind?"

"I've already seen Pansy naked before and Potter… well, I'm sure he's got nothing worth seeing." He chuckled.

I glared at him. "You contemplate this?"

"Not in a decidedly perverted way."

"Huh. I see. You're pathetic. And why must you stand so close to me?" Damn that musky cologne! Reminded me of… ew. Not going there.

But by the new sounds behind the portrait, Harry and Pansy apparently were.

"Handcuffs, Potter!"

Draco and I jumped back, and with a silent look, decided on the second plan: pretend it never happened and walk away.

It worked perfectly well until Malfoy muttered, "Wimp," and I punched his arm, and he shouted, "OUCH, GRANGER!" and a portrait clicked open… and I was blinded by fleshiness and greeniness.

In the doorway stood a naked Pansy shielded by a naked Harry holding up an emerald green sheet before them.

Awkward stares all around. Blushes. Fidgets. Heat to the necks. Words leaving the brain. You know the drill.

And then… my eyes traveled down; I couldn't help it! Damn those voluntary muscles for not working! And… ew.

The only good thing that came out of this situation was Draco's mortified face, which I wish I had a ball of clay to make a mask mold out of.

"De-detention." Oh good, at least my voice could go involuntary on me, so I could remember who I was and why something shiny and pointy was attached to my chest. Thank Merlin I stayed firm and authoritative.

After a second awkward, fidgeting moment, I turned on my heel with Draco following. Only our footsteps— my sneakers and Draco's Italian shoes— punctured the silence.

We vowed never to speak of the incident again.

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**A/N**: Haha yeah, so what do you think? I had fun with it :P Review if you'd like!


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